THE WHY AND HOW OF LOVING BOUNDARIES
Clear, consistent, loving boundaries help our children feel safe and held. You may not have experienced these as a child; much of our parenting approach is a radical departure from what we experienced.
So I’m celebrating you for wanting to do things differently.
I take inspiration from Brené Brown’s answers in her Russell Brand interview. He asks her how many times you need to set a boundary before your child accepts it. Her answer is magic!
“The question to ask is harder than that: how many times do you back slide before they don’t believe you?
It only takes one backslide before your child knows you’re full of shit!”
That’s why I emphasise the consistency part. If our children know or even suspect we might not follow through, it’s worth it to keep whining/ staying on the screen when you’ve asked them to finish up/ not doing the job you’ve asked for help with/ not going to bed etc.
The loving part is just as important in two key ways.
Firstly, love permeates our underpinning beliefs:
“This is helpful to you (in the medium-long term at least!)”
“I am loving you by holding this clear boundary”
“Learning this will help you engage with other humans who know you less well than me!”
Secondly, when our tone of voice is loving, caring and kind, the beliefs outlined above are clear to our child. They pick them up through our generous accepting tone of voice.
That doesn’t mean we change the boundary, no. It means we uphold it with love.
Brené Brown also stresses that our children learn their boundaries from us modelling our boundaries.
If it matters to you that they can keep themselves safe as teens and adults, modelling clear loving boundaries is crucial. She also says, if we model giving in when they whine “I want it, I want it”; how will they find their voice and conviction when someone wants something from them they don’t want to give?
Her example is her daughter at 16 in the back seat of a car with a guy saying “I want it, I want it” who wants sex and she’s not ready. We are setting the boundaries for the older children our little ones will grow into.
So, when it feels hard and backsliding seems appealing, keep in mind that you’re parenting your future child as well as the one right in front of you.
You’ll reap the benefits of being consistent and following through in the future – as will your child.
I work 1-1, with couples and with small groups to give parents and carers insights, accountability and hand holding in what can be one of the stickiest areas of being a parent, especially with a neurodivergent child. So do book in coaching session if it’s a sticking point in your family.